I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
