and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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