Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I will pee on everything he values.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
