we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
