Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
