I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
