I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
