Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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