I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
