When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Found the puke drawer
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
