I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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