Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
