I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
