We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
