For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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