No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Houston, we have a blender
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My vagina is very pro this idea
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