half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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