im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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