so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
