I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
