Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
