I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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