remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
