I am in a vortex of obligation.
i barfeds in our rink
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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