now i know why i became what i already was.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
how drunk are you?
Several
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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