apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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