Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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