Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
