he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
