Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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