If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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