Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
