You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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