Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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