look no pants
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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