if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
