Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
