Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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