Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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