I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
