I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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