i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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