Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
