The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
