But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Pants are for mortals
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
