I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
