i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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