dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
