im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
