I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
