omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
